The Christmas Consultant
The Reindeer had brought in a management consultant to see if there was a way to make the busiest night of their lives a little easier on them.
The consultant had undertaken a year-long study and gathered all the Reindeer together on Christmas Eve, when it would be too late to implement the Consultant's suggestions till next year, in order to deliver his findings.
The Consultant, a badger, began his PowerPoint presentation by addressing the assembled Eeindeers:
"Well folks, I'm glad you brought me in. We've run a number of tests and surveys and cases and jargon that you could think of to figure out a solution to your problem..."
The Reindeer were rapt. Each year the reindeer worked very very hard one night a year. One could argue the Reindeer completed as much work in one night as anyone else completed in the entire year. Of course, this workload takes its toll year after year after year. If there was a way to make this work easier the Reindeer were all ears.
The Consultant continued:
"What we're in need of in this industry is to shift the concept of 'December 25' by making it so that all packages had to be delivered *by* December 25 instead of *on* December 25," The Consultant continued, "That way presents can be delivered consistently throughout the year, at reduced hours, and with less stress all completed *by* Christmas Day if not *on* Christmas Day."
Rudolph Jr. scoffed from the back, he knew from the beginning that hiring a Consultant would be a waste of time and money.
"But what about the Christmas season?" The Reindeers asked, "What about merriment, what about cheer? Christmas morning is the best part of Christmas."
"All of that is useless to your bottom line," The Consultant continued, "While Cheer and Merriment and Joy are nice they are neither necessary nor essential to your business."
The Reindeer thought about this for a moment. The Consultant was kind of right. While it was certainly nice to spread goodwill and cheer and smiles to all the girls and boys in the world, it wasn't necessary from a business standpoint.
"So how would this work?" The Reindeer wondered. "Would we just do a couple of days each month?"
"Sure, that's one way to go about it" The consultant added, "We could also go the route of celebrating Christmas on different days each year, it's up to you we've done all the work. Let's go to these slides..."
"Hang on," Rudolph Jr. rose from the back of the room, "We're not seriously considering this bull shit are we?"
The Reindeer were aghast. They all anticipated that Rudolph Jr. son of the legendary Rudolph who once saved Christmas on his own would have an issue with modernizing the Christmas season.
"Christmas is about everyone in the world taking time to get together, give gifts, sing, make memories COLLECTIVELY, on a SINGLE DAY." Rudolph continued, "You all can't be seriously considering this?"
The Reindeer looked away. They all knew Rudolph Jr. was right, but the march of progress sweeps up all in its path to be modernized and streamlined while eliminating all charm.
"Come on Dasher Jr, what would your father say if he found out you decided to ruin Christmas?" Rudolph asked.
"I don't know that we're ruining it, just trying to come into the 21st-century workflows." Dasher Jr. said, "Joy is good but what is its inherent value? The value is in presents, no matter when you get them."
"You're a drop-dead idiot." Rudolph Jr. replied, "Presents are an aspect of Mood, the reason Christmas is special is that everyone in the world gets together and creates a specific global mood. People celebrate differently but the mood is the same, It's a time to slow down, be with friends and family, exchange tokens of affection, and make memories together."
The Consultant chimed in:
"Well, how much money does that make you?"
Rudolph Jr. had a temper. He usually kept it in check but when some dipshit consultant started trying to ruin his favorite day of the year he felt it was the right time to unleash it.
"Hey Consultant, what was your favorite gift you ever got on Christmas?" Rudolph Jr. asked.
"Mine?" The Consultant hesitated.
"Very smart, you are asked a direct question and can't give a direct answer as a stall tactic. Did you learn that at Wharton?" Rudolph Jr. asked.
"No, my... my favorite gift..." The Consultant stumbled.
"Spit it out!" Rudolph Jr. yelled.
"IT WAS A LUMP OF COAL! I ONLY EVER GOT LUMPS OF COAL! I HATE THIS HOLIDAY!" The Consultant raged.
Rudolph Jr. sat back down amidst the shocked Reindeer. The Consultant could not help himself...
"Christmas sucks, it's not fun for me so it shouldn't be fun for ANYONE!"
The Reindeers all quietly exited the conference room out of embarrassment. Rudolph Jr. stayed behind.
"Hey buddy, you did a really good job." Rudolph Jr. said as he palmed the Consultant 100 dollars, "I was worried you might actually turn Dasher Jr. into a supply chain believer."
"What can I say, I do what the client tells me, but good call on the emotional outburst, I'm sure no one will want to hire another consultant to fix Christmas for, oh, at least 5 years."
"I'll look you up again when it happens..."
Rudolph Jr. then joined the Reindeer as they continued their legacies and mission of spreading joy and cheer and merriment to all the world in just one night.
